ugh.

no profound thoughts or words today & probably won't have any for a few more days to come.

i just want to be back on campus at school. 

the break has been so wonderful. friends. family. lots of sleep.

but..i'm ready to go back.

questionable faith (?)

i fell a little more in love with Jesus yesterday. he has this way of loving me. i can't help but fall head over heels in love with him a little more. amazing how a little can go a long way, but it's never enough. and i like that. i always want to be wanting more out of this relationship he and i have. (i keep getting cold feet...i am yet to have gone in head first.)

it's good to remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place, typically aids in the process of growing closer.

i tend to find myself at a loss for words when someone asks me about my faith, God, Jesus and the church. words don't seem to form, and when they do...they don't make sense. i can't make sense of God. i can't make sense of the church. i can't make sense of my beliefs sometimes or how the way that i live my life is different from what my parents believe. i can't explain how and or if my actions are the "right" way vs. the "wrong" way. all that i do know for certain is that i am loved. and sometimes...love doesn't make sense to anyone but the persons involved. i feel passionately. i feel loved. i feel loving. and yet...i don't believe that love is based on feeling. it is so much more than that. feelings can come and go just as easily as a spring rain. "here today, gone tomorrow."  there is uncertainty in feeling. the love i know/knew is abandoned. not self seeking. it is raging. sacrificial. i am no where close to BEING any of those. doesn't love work best when both are loving the other?

my uncertainties are countless. i am uncertain about almost everything. life. love. hope. happiness. too many questions and not enough answers. or it may be that there are answers to my questions but i'm not ready to know them. ? again, i don't know. but somehow, i am content with not knowing...for now. [see. i. don't. make. sense!!!]

he knows how to capture my attention as well as my heart. he has done it in the past. i pray he does it again.

the burning of the bras.

i'm tired of putting time into applying makeup. 

or as most girls say, "i need to go 'paint my face' on". 

that sounds disgusting. which is appropriate because makeup feels disgusting. 

i am not defined by my makeup. 

i'm not a fan of my mascara smelling like beer.

[not that anyone is going to be sniffing my eyelashes anytime soon.]

part of me WANTS someone to come up to me. sniff my eyelashes and agree that they do, in fact, smell just like beer.

so begins my own personal challenge...monday through friday...no makeup.

i realize that for some women this is hardly a challenge. but for me, it is.

who knows. maybe i'll burn my bras next & invite all the women i know to join me.

"when everything was made to be broken"

post-our night out on the town =)

30 reasons to run the opposite direction.

After being reunited with some dear friends of mine, we got to talking about relationships, lack thereof and the everythings in-between. Long story short...myself & another girl became the butt of the jokes going on in the circle. Typical...yet comfortable. I am not easily embarrassed and everything said over sushi & drinks sadly, had a great amount of truth to it. They told me to make a list. 30 Reasons why I am not in a relationship [committed, that is]. Here is what I came up with. & so far, at least up to this point in my life...according to my cherished friends...I hit the nail on the head.

1. I am terribly honest.  I can't lie and will probably tell you things you definitely DON'T want to hear.

2. Loyalty, I've got it in spades.  Once I decide I actually care for you, that's it. It takes a lot for me to stray even after I know the end is near or that you aren't exactly in tune with the same level of loyalty.

3. I have a hard time trusting people.  If I don't think I can trust you, I'm sure you're hiding something and, therefore, cannot be trusted.  If I get a red flag saying not to trust you, I'll find a reason to make sure you have earned my trust.
4. I'm disgustingly social and have a hard time being alone.
5. You will find me terribly cold, especially if I actually do care about you. When I care about someone, I tend to become rather unsure of myself and go into "emotional lockdown".
6. Emotional lockdown...I'm usually pretty closed in the "feelings department," but I become even more so when I do care for someone.

7. I handle rejection flawlessly, but it's acceptance that freaks me out.

8. You are looking at the antithesis of hip. But I'll pretend I'm the hippest girl in the room.

9. I'm obsessed with children. Not in a creepy, 'I want to kidnap your child' way...but I'll spot 10 adorable kids in a room in 30 seconds flat. 

10. I sing all the time...& loudly.

11. I come with baggage, past relationships being the proverbial suitcase. At least for now.

12. Do you like hearing random stories about people you don't care about?  I love telling them. 

13. My idea of good music is the kind you can't find on the radio. 

14. I don't like wearing a bra, and I shouldn't have to. 

15. It's entirely probable that I will never be able to have kids without a decent amount of fertility drugs.

16. I don't smoke. 

17. If you don't like my effort to be grammatically correct, buzz off.

18. I swear sometimes. Which I hate. Hardly classy.

19. I love movies, and by that I mean, I spend most of my paycheck/hard earned money investing in movies. The good & bad alike. My idea of a date is a movie. Screw dinner or horse drawn-carriage rides.

20. I like to flirt.

21. Saying I am inexperienced with the opposite sex is definitely an understatement.

22. Despite the above, I'm pretty open minded.

23. I'm a sucker for "doing the right thing," 99% of the time.

24. You will be expected to have a love of Disney movies.

25. I don't like hunting. However, fishing I like and can be tolerated if you throw them back. (Unless its a huge bass. We are takin that sucker home!)

26. Driving scares the bejeezus out of me. But I would die without road trips and traveling.

27. I fear nearly everything in the appropriate dose.

28. I think in long term, not short term.

29. Tie-dye is great and novelty socks rule, and that's just a snippet of my colorful wardrobe.

30. The expiration dates on well...anything...are merely suggestions.

I'm only 21 years old. Only time will tell if I will change. Who's to say I will? Who's to say I won't? I'd like to think that I will...at least for the better.

Ha.

old friendships made new.

it takes a long time to grow an old friend. 

tonight i am getting together with some friends i have known for years. they have known me through the awkward years of middle school, right up through the confusing, searching years of high school. one friend in particular, i have not seen since my senior year of high school. i frustrate myself in the fact that i have been slacking on keeping in touch, making it a point to keep in contact & just doing badly at keeping the friendship real. the business of life is my excuse. the miles between us. the single life i lead verses the married life she leads. all excuses. excuses that could have been overcome before now. despite what i could have done to salvage this friendship before now...we are being given the opportunity to start new. forgive the past. forgive each other & become friends once again. forgiving really is letting go. i cannot wait to see my friends of long ago & to start new with the old.

i am not//i am

i am not my mom's past cancer

i am not my dad's depression

i am not the physical and emotional abuse i've gone through from a failed relationship

i am not my adhd

i am not my sin

i am not my anxiety disorder or insomnia

i am not my past

i am katelyn

i am a traveler

i am a dreamer

i am tender hearted

i am open minded

i am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything and everything happens for a reason

i am loving and put others first.

i am learning from the past and taking steps to better myself.

i am a believer in that everything is connected.

i am a follower of God

i am me and that is real.

i love the smell of old books.

last christmas my papaw gave me a book that he had kept since he was in 3rd grade. its a small, black book & when you flip through the manillia colored pages, you can smell the antique mustiness. i love the smell of old books. i can't help but imagine my papaw as a small boy, sitting in his one room school house (that i have heard so many stories about) reading through this tiny book. 

the book, "The Loom Of Life" which are poems by Cotton Noe. my papaw's favorite poet, is now...my favorite as well. this book might be one of my most cherished gifts.

MY JEWELS

by: Cotton Noe

His little Blue Dress is hidden away

From the eyes of the vulgar world,--

And the dear little Shoes,--more precious are they

Than silver or gold empearled--

Jewels that lure like the stars above,

Hidden from all but the eyes of love.

I watched him oft with a mother's heart

As he played with his dear little toys;

But now he is gone, and I sit apart

And muse of those vanished joys;--

Dream of his eyes and his beautiful hair,

And thrill with the love of a sweet despair.

The gaze of the vulgar world today

Would only my jewel abuse;

And this is the reason I hid them away--

The little Blue Dress and the Shoes:

And I pray that in death my eyes may caress

The dear little Shoes and the little Blue Dress.

sometimes nothing is a real cool hand.

to be honest, nothing interesting is going on in my life right now. i don't like discussing my love life, because apart from the fact that i'm an extremely private person, it frankly isn't very intriguing either. talking about school is not appealing because i'd rather not have to think about anything school related more than i already have to. [and even if i did write about school, it would mostly be complaints, and who wants to listen to anyone whine?]

so what can i say? i read all these other people's blogs and they are all so inspired. i wish i could be inspired every day. everyone else seems to have been found by inspiration. Where does their inspiration come from?

i can attempt to write about classic things. love and life and time and beauty and death and pain. but what can i say that hasn't already been said by hundreds of people before me? even opinions are supposed to be unique, but more than one person can have the same opinion. in the thousands of years mankind has existed, is there anything at all that hasn't already been done or thought or said or felt?

am i just boxing myself in by trying to be inspired by groundbreaking, deeply profound things?

maybe inspiration comes naturally and simply, and precisely when you're not looking for it at all. 

i need to be inspired. maybe inspiration will find me soon...

tonight my heart aches.

some days are easier than others. my heart stings a bit when i shuffle through the pictures, re-read over & over again the letters they wrote me or when i sit alone, quietly doing absolutely nothing...they always come to the forefront of my mind & thats when my heart stings the most. i miss them something awful. 

changes.

its difficult for me to read my last post. i wrote it so long ago and so much has happened since i last posted anything. i'm not surprised, however, to see that post being the last one i had written since now. 

im not the same today as i was last year. how ive changed and how much and where is yet to be determined, but i know for certain that its happened. my hope is that i have not lost vision, but have gained insight. i want so much to be a person who is genuine and sincere. forgive me of the days when i could have cared less or even more so for the days when i pretended i cared and didnt. i dont ever want to be someone who listens with eyes that look past who is talking, but rather i strive to be the person who listens with her heart. things are just so pleasant and comfortable sometimes that until you feel a little pain, everything can be paradoxical inside but still nothing will hurt. 

i really like the way life shows itself, through the changing of seasons and the energy of people being together and the dusk and the dawn. so many times this semester i have walked in the door at night, exhausted from a day spent with wonderful people and an adventure, yet retaining my smile as i fell into my sheets thinking, this is life! other times this year i have walked in just plain tired. that is the thing with life. it is fascinating, and it is an experience, and it may be difficult to prevail sometimes, but it is always good!!! i guess all this to say that i am starting to look at everything as an experience and not as a valuable thing versus a regret. because the truth is... we are human and in our humanness, to expect perfection will only leave you disappointed. it is through experience that you learn who you are, but more importantly i think you learn about love. you learn how to love better and i think that is the best thing you could hope for. isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more? pushed. stretched. blessed. moved.....i think it's all a pursuit for my heart. 

life..live it.