questionable faith (?)

i fell a little more in love with Jesus yesterday. he has this way of loving me. i can't help but fall head over heels in love with him a little more. amazing how a little can go a long way, but it's never enough. and i like that. i always want to be wanting more out of this relationship he and i have. (i keep getting cold feet...i am yet to have gone in head first.)

it's good to remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place, typically aids in the process of growing closer.

i tend to find myself at a loss for words when someone asks me about my faith, God, Jesus and the church. words don't seem to form, and when they do...they don't make sense. i can't make sense of God. i can't make sense of the church. i can't make sense of my beliefs sometimes or how the way that i live my life is different from what my parents believe. i can't explain how and or if my actions are the "right" way vs. the "wrong" way. all that i do know for certain is that i am loved. and sometimes...love doesn't make sense to anyone but the persons involved. i feel passionately. i feel loved. i feel loving. and yet...i don't believe that love is based on feeling. it is so much more than that. feelings can come and go just as easily as a spring rain. "here today, gone tomorrow."  there is uncertainty in feeling. the love i know/knew is abandoned. not self seeking. it is raging. sacrificial. i am no where close to BEING any of those. doesn't love work best when both are loving the other?

my uncertainties are countless. i am uncertain about almost everything. life. love. hope. happiness. too many questions and not enough answers. or it may be that there are answers to my questions but i'm not ready to know them. ? again, i don't know. but somehow, i am content with not knowing...for now. [see. i. don't. make. sense!!!]

he knows how to capture my attention as well as my heart. he has done it in the past. i pray he does it again.